Tell Me I Can Fix This on My Own

by Deerful

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04:25

about

Tell Me I Can Fix This On My Own is a mini-album of peculiar pop songs, coded in the music programming language ixi lang (www.ixi-audio.net) between July and August 2018.

I learned ixi lang in an academic creative practice workshop in 2016, then subsequently forgot all about it. Late one night in July, alone in my living room, something prompted me to reopen it and I fell in love. Before I knew it, I'd been booked for a laptop music festival, on the grounds that I'd written enough material to play a full live set. This was the result.

It's mostly a record about friendship. It's also a record about loss. It’s about the visceral connections that bind you to other people and refuse to let go even when they’re physically absent, but it’s also about the realisation that you are the only person who can steer your own life, and the terror and grief and joy and liberation that affords. I’ve written and released it so quickly because it felt like I had to, like there were too many stories I needed to tell to keep them inside any longer.

credits

released September 1, 2018

Music, code, lyrics, artwork, mixing and mastering by Emma Winston.

A million thanks to Thor Magnusson for the creation of ixi lang.

license

all rights reserved

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about

Deerful London, UK

I'm Deerful, aka Emma Winston.

I write lush, sad electropop about feelings on synthesisers small enough to use on the bus, and in tiny live-coding environments.

I love making music more than anything in the world.
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Track Name: Loop
VERSE
Lean against my shoulder in the park
Tell me that you’ll always be my friend
Talking in hotel rooms after dark
One day we’ll loop around and start again

Show me all the light that you let in
Tell me where the cracks are to repair
Guide me through the places that you’ve been
Keep for me the secrets that we share

CHORUS
Time stands still
Still the days keep marching on
Time runs out
At the ending you’ll be gone

VERSE
Break me into pieces in your hands
Put me back together in your mind
Whisper things that no one understands
Swear you’ll never let me fall behind

Take my hand between us on the train
Teach me all the things you wish you’d known
Hide with me in cafes from the rain
Tell me I can fix this on my own

CHORUS
Time stands still
And the mountain’s mine to climb
Time runs out
Still there’s somehow always time

VERSE
When the clock that wakes us can be heard
Fly home to the nest from which you came
Leave me healing halfway round the world
Until we loop around and start again
Track Name: Bloom
Water and sunlight and kind words and keeping things alive
Shielding against all the darkness in order to survive
Roots growing down through the earth to some corner to entwine with
Finding the light at the angle our faces can align with

What does it feel like to want to go on?
Look out the window, the stars are all gone
What does it feel like to take this for granted?
What does it feel like to bloom where you’re planted?

There in the morning the seedlings rise lightly through the ground
Keep pushing onwards and upwards but never make a sound
See through the window the sunlight that pulls us from our dream
Grow imperceptibly slowly but faster than it seems
Track Name: N1C
VERSE
When lightning struck the spire of the station
We listened, lost in wonder, to the sound
A storm in from the south
A crack across the sky
That shook us where we waited on the ground

I laughed that this was what I’d always wanted
Be washed away without a trace behind
It breaks my heart in half
It breaks my heart in half
No one can be this happy all the time

CHORUS
Everything will change, you said
But what if I’m not ready
What if I’m not ready
What am I supposed to do instead

VERSE
The hours I spent fixating on the weather
And silencing the voice inside my heart
I could not read the signs
I did not know you then
And now I don’t know where to even start

CHORUS
Everything will change, you said
But what if I’m not ready
What if I’m not ready
What am I supposed to do instead?

Everything will change, you said
But what if I’m not ready
What if I’m not ready
What am I supposed to do instead?

VERSE
If I could climb inside your head and stay there
If I could be the one who came prepared
A storm in from the west
A crack across my heart
Perhaps I wouldn’t be so fucking scared
Track Name: Perseids
VERSE
She built a tiny superstructure
Filled it with charts and graphs and plans
She made herself a home inside there
She thought they’d never understand

She tried to pull herself together
To say the things she ought to say
She tried to be just like the others
She made a choice to fade away

CHORUS
Meteors fall
Travel together
Burn through the night
Far from the earth
Maybe you’ll see them
Casting a light

VERSE
They looked for answers to explain it
Though they were nowhere to be seen
But still instead they found each other
And met there somewhere in between

They saw the flashes through the clouds
That covered up the summer stars
They reached a silent understanding
They left a door to stand ajar

CHORUS
Meteors fall
travel together
Burn through the night
Far from the earth
Maybe you’ll see them
Casting a light

They watch the sky at night together
No longer feel like they’re alone
There’s space inside the superstructure
For others too to make a home
Track Name: The Seaside Town
VERSE
Across the bay
A hundred miles away
Get lost in me
I’m waiting for the day

My ship comes in
The summer sky is grey
And can’t you see
I only wanted you to stay

CHORUS
Aren’t you the girl from the seaside town, they say
Weren’t you the one who lost her way
But you were the girl with the salt taste skin, I know
Come back to me with the ocean spray

VERSE
The garden blown
The wind against the stone
The light that fades
And leaves me out here on my own

CHORUS
Aren’t you the girl from the seaside town, they say
Weren’t you the one who lost her way
But you were the girl with the salt taste skin, I know
Come back to me with the ocean spray

VERSE
Come bind me here
With all your silken sails
And oh my dear
The sea will tell your tale
Track Name: Sunset Drive
VERSE
Back in the old town
Static and sidewalks
Like an illusion
Nothing to do

Fill up the hours
Fill up the daylight
Dream of the evening
Dream of the new

Think of the city
Think of the starlight
Think of the ocean
Think of the view

Start up the engine
Fire the ignition
Waiting for sunset
Waiting for you

BRIDGE
We’ll get lost in time
On the sunset drive

CHORUS
Flying through the city in the streetlights
Keep it like a secret that we share
Know whatever happens we’ll be all right
Neon glow that guides us through the night

VERSE
Drive by your window
Counting the moments
Counting the hours
Counting the days

Open the door wide
Climb in beside me
Holding you tightly
Nothing to say

Pass by the palm trees
City is quiet
Savour the warm air
Free in the night

Watching the sunset
Watching the moon rise
Lay all the stars out
Set them alight

BRIDGE
We’ll get lost in time
On the sunset drive
We’ll get lost in time
On the sunset drive

CHORUS
Flying through the city in the streetlights
Keep it like a secret that we share
Know whatever happens we’ll be all right
Neon glow that guides us through the night

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