Tell Me I Can Fix This on My Own

by Deerful

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Sven B. Schreiber
Sven B. Schreiber thumbnail
Sven B. Schreiber Finding Emma Winston aka "Deerful" was a lucky coincidence, caused by me following WIAIWYA - an interesting indie label with an unpronounceable name, which is actually an acronym for "Where it's at is where you are". Their latest compilation starts off with two "Deerful" tracks, which drew my immediate attention to Emma Winston's enchanting compositions. Favorite track: Sunset Drive.
Rob Ward
Rob Ward thumbnail
Rob Ward I discovered Deerful a couple of days ago through a link to a video on PeerTube of a cover of Closer by Chainsmokers. Within minutes, I was watching the video over and over again, logging into Twitter for the first time in months to share it with a wider audience than I would find on Mastodon where I had first came across the link, and writing about it. I have discovered this too recently to know how often I will listen to it, but it has me as excited as Sleaford Mods - only a touch less angry. Favorite track: N1C.
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1.
Loop 03:02
VERSE Lean against my shoulder in the park Tell me that you’ll always be my friend Talking in hotel rooms after dark One day we’ll loop around and start again Show me all the light that you let in Tell me where the cracks are to repair Guide me through the places that you’ve been Keep for me the secrets that we share CHORUS Time stands still Still the days keep marching on Time runs out At the ending you’ll be gone VERSE Break me into pieces in your hands Put me back together in your mind Whisper things that no one understands Swear you’ll never let me fall behind Take my hand between us on the train Teach me all the things you wish you’d known Hide with me in cafes from the rain Tell me I can fix this on my own CHORUS Time stands still And the mountain’s mine to climb Time runs out Still there’s somehow always time VERSE When the clock that wakes us can be heard Fly home to the nest from which you came Leave me healing halfway round the world Until we loop around and start again
2.
Bloom 03:21
Water and sunlight and kind words and keeping things alive Shielding against all the darkness in order to survive Roots growing down through the earth to some corner to entwine with Finding the light at the angle our faces can align with What does it feel like to want to go on? Look out the window, the stars are all gone What does it feel like to take this for granted? What does it feel like to bloom where you’re planted? There in the morning the seedlings rise lightly through the ground Keep pushing onwards and upwards but never make a sound See through the window the sunlight that pulls us from our dream Grow imperceptibly slowly but faster than it seems
3.
N1C 04:58
VERSE When lightning struck the spire of the station We listened, lost in wonder, to the sound A storm in from the south A crack across the sky That shook us where we waited on the ground I laughed that this was what I’d always wanted Be washed away without a trace behind It breaks my heart in half It breaks my heart in half No one can be this happy all the time CHORUS Everything will change, you said But what if I’m not ready What if I’m not ready What am I supposed to do instead VERSE The hours I spent fixating on the weather And silencing the voice inside my heart I could not read the signs I did not know you then And now I don’t know where to even start CHORUS Everything will change, you said But what if I’m not ready What if I’m not ready What am I supposed to do instead? Everything will change, you said But what if I’m not ready What if I’m not ready What am I supposed to do instead? VERSE If I could climb inside your head and stay there If I could be the one who came prepared A storm in from the west A crack across my heart Perhaps I wouldn’t be so fucking scared
4.
5.
Perseids 04:20
VERSE She built a tiny superstructure Filled it with charts and graphs and plans She made herself a home inside there She thought they’d never understand She tried to pull herself together To say the things she ought to say She tried to be just like the others She made a choice to fade away CHORUS Meteors fall Travel together Burn through the night Far from the earth Maybe you’ll see them Casting a light VERSE They looked for answers to explain it Though they were nowhere to be seen But still instead they found each other And met there somewhere in between They saw the flashes through the clouds That covered up the summer stars They reached a silent understanding They left a door to stand ajar CHORUS Meteors fall travel together Burn through the night Far from the earth Maybe you’ll see them Casting a light They watch the sky at night together No longer feel like they’re alone There’s space inside the superstructure For others too to make a home
6.
VERSE Across the bay A hundred miles away Get lost in me I’m waiting for the day My ship comes in The summer sky is grey And can’t you see I only wanted you to stay CHORUS Aren’t you the girl from the seaside town, they say Weren’t you the one who lost her way But you were the girl with the salt taste skin, I know Come back to me with the ocean spray VERSE The garden blown The wind against the stone The light that fades And leaves me out here on my own CHORUS Aren’t you the girl from the seaside town, they say Weren’t you the one who lost her way But you were the girl with the salt taste skin, I know Come back to me with the ocean spray VERSE Come bind me here With all your silken sails And oh my dear The sea will tell your tale
7.
Sunset Drive 04:25
VERSE Back in the old town Static and sidewalks Like an illusion Nothing to do Fill up the hours Fill up the daylight Dream of the evening Dream of the new Think of the city Think of the starlight Think of the ocean Think of the view Start up the engine Fire the ignition Waiting for sunset Waiting for you BRIDGE We’ll get lost in time On the sunset drive CHORUS Flying through the city in the streetlights Keep it like a secret that we share Know whatever happens we’ll be all right Neon glow that guides us through the night VERSE Drive by your window Counting the moments Counting the hours Counting the days Open the door wide Climb in beside me Holding you tightly Nothing to say Pass by the palm trees City is quiet Savour the warm air Free in the night Watching the sunset Watching the moon rise Lay all the stars out Set them alight BRIDGE We’ll get lost in time On the sunset drive We’ll get lost in time On the sunset drive CHORUS Flying through the city in the streetlights Keep it like a secret that we share Know whatever happens we’ll be all right Neon glow that guides us through the night

about

Tell Me I Can Fix This On My Own is a mini-album of peculiar pop songs, coded in the music programming language ixi lang (www.ixi-audio.net) between July and August 2018.

I learned ixi lang in an academic creative practice workshop in 2016, then subsequently forgot all about it. Late one night in July, alone in my living room, something prompted me to reopen it and I fell in love. Before I knew it, I'd been booked for a laptop music festival, on the grounds that I'd written enough material to play a full live set. This was the result.

It's mostly a record about friendship. It's also a record about loss. It’s about the visceral connections that bind you to other people and refuse to let go even when they’re physically absent, but it’s also about the realisation that you are the only person who can steer your own life, and the terror and grief and joy and liberation that affords. I’ve written and released it so quickly because it felt like I had to, like there were too many stories I needed to tell to keep them inside any longer.

credits

released September 1, 2018

Music, code, lyrics, artwork, mixing and mastering by Emma Winston.

A million thanks to Thor Magnusson for the creation of ixi lang.

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about

Deerful London, UK

I'm Deerful, aka Emma Winston.

I write lush, sad electropop about feelings on synthesisers small enough to use on the bus, and in tiny live-coding environments.

I love making music more than anything in the world.
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